Emtnlchaos's Blog

afraid

emtnlchaos — Wed, 29 Dec 2010 17:55:36 +0000

i’m afraid again…

i don’t know exactly what it is i’m afraid of

actually i’m afraid of what fear feels like

it overwhelms your body

makes you tremble

your heart pounds hard and fast

your body breaks out in a cold sweat

this feeling is unnatural

i really want it to go away because I don’t need it in my life

it stops me from going on adventures

i never felt this way before so why am i letting it consume my life now????

i wish there was a magic pill to help me control the fear

even w/ all the support I have now that I’m back in l.a

i’m still afraid

i’m starting to feel the fear more often

wwwwhhhyyyy??

what is this sense of control that I need to have all of a sudden?

go awaaaaaaaay

what does fashion mean

emtnlchaos — Sun, 14 Nov 2010 23:41:03 +0000

far too often people mistake fashion for a pompous attitude

as if b/c they love fashion they’re allowed to be stuck-up

but what is fashion really about to those who are passionate about it

and by passionate i mean doing it for more than making a dime

fashion should say something meaningful

whether it be dark and gloomy

bright, summery, happy

fashion is art

fashion is unique to each person

it can help to explain who you are

or what mood you’re in that day

fashion is wonderful

not meant to be taken out of context

that’s how i feel lol

the end

my true self

emtnlchaos — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 06:46:46 +0000

my true self

what does that even mean????

well it means that as of right now i feel like my whole life revolves around ME caring what OTHER people think about ME

like why do i even give a rat’s ass???

why do their words about me matter more than my own words that describe me?

how is it that in every meeting with a new person i really do hope he/she likes me

i want them to WANT to be my friend

with my boyfriend i want him to WANT me, love me, shit practically want to marry me already

but what does that mean????

what does that say about who i am?

what i want out of life?

have i been conditioned to rely on the response, the emotion of another person to find my happiness?

do i truly depend on someone else’s perception of me to make me happy?

am i afraid to hear the truth about who i am?

all of these thoughts are almost overwhelming

making me want to cry as i type each word out

how did i get like this?

where did it all start?

if i hear something bad about myself WHY is it so unbearable to hear????

what is this need for perfection?

is it acceptance, a desire to be a part of something, some group?

i simply don’t understand

i really want to say FUCK YOU!

i am who i am!!! deal with it..

yet i don’t want to be a bitch!

it’s like oh God if one person thinks i’m lame the whole world is going to come crashing down on me

oh the anxiety, the guilt, the hurt, will engulf my body

take my soul away from me

send me to hell

catastrophizing much?

yeah i think so

but how do the thoughts stop?

do i consistently tell myself Fuck it! Fuck them!

it seems so inhumane, does it not?

i don’t know…

i could use a lot of help on this one….

Why fear death

emtnlchaos — Sun, 07 Nov 2010 06:15:04 +0000

Why do some many of us seem to fear this idea of death?
What is it about death that appears to be so scary?
Is it the thousands maybe even millions of years of brainwashing we’ve experienced about death?
with all the darkness and evil that surrounds this word.
Why do I fear death?
What’s the worst that could happen?
I won’t go to heaven.
Is there a heaven?
I won’t go to heaven or hell, is limbo such a bad place?
Or I’ll just remain in the ground where my ashes will be spread so I can become fertilizer.
What is it about death that makes it so terrifying?
Is it the loss of life that we fear?
Yet we complain so often of the pain, fear, anxiety, guilt, even over stimulation.
Would death be so bad?
Do we fear the idea of dying b/c we think it’ll hurt?
Rape
Murder
Drowning
Burning
What is it that causes the panic entangled into this fear?
the panic seems to fuel the fear making death seem less pleasurable.
Hanging from a rock ready to fall to your death and your fear is what?
Those who will miss you won’t be able to handle your death?
Unfinished business?
but at the thought of unfinished business wouldn’t you ask the question
If you lived your life to the fullest ALL the time….
would there be such thing as unfinished business???

What will take this fear of death away?
God
Myself
Friends
Family
Nothing.

Why do we fear death?

its been awhile

emtnlchaos — Thu, 04 Nov 2010 06:10:14 +0000

well its been awhile since i wrote in this thing but i am definitely missing it a lot. I feel like writing is a huge release for me. I’m sure many people do. i’ve been needing to write b/c i feel so trapped by the fear and the panic that has so easily consumed my life. i feel misunderstood often and even tho i constantly try to explain my point of view i don’t know seem to get across to very many people. I am on my 2nd therapist. i loved the 1st one but she was just too expensive. then the 2nd one decided to say some inappropriate shit.

the boyfriend and i have our ups and downs as any re/ship does. right now we are recovering from a down! but we’re getting a lot better. he works a lot so he isn’t around that much which sssuuuuuxxxxx b/c i love to be around him.

i’m working on building friendships in my MFT program and so far so good ! hopefully we stay friends ya know!

i’m going to come up with a poem soon

Pepper

emtnlchaos — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 20:15:31 +0000

my baby!

she is my lil devil but i love her with all my heart already

i never thought i could care for a puppy

at first i had lots and lots and lots of anxiety b/c i don’t want to fail with her

she will not be your typical pitbull that they show on the news

my baby is absolutely amazing and she loves to cuddle….i hope that she will grow up to be a very wonderful well-trained dog who loves people and other animals…

she soon will be a part of what i live for and i can only thank her for bringing me back to life and helping me get through one of the aspects of my life that brought anxiety

her bite is pretty intense but she will learn…i’ve had her for 10 days now and she is the just the cutest sleeper

why do i think he’s cheating

emtnlchaos — Wed, 26 May 2010 00:22:44 +0000

why do i think he’s cheating?

is it because I believe I’m not good enough

everyday i look at myself in the mirror

and i smile

feel a sense of happiness come over me

but then i look again

i see the fear and anxiety

i question his ability to love me

because he doesn’t love me

why doesn’t he love me?

am i not good enough??

there seems to be too much neuroticism

he’s skeptical about loving me

being in love with me

and now i think that is my fault

i don’t feel pretty anymore

i know i’m pretty

but he never tells me i’m beautiful

does he tell other girls they are beautiful?

has he ever said i love you to another girl?

he won’t let me in

he doesn’t think i’m worth it

he doesn’t even tell me how he feels

at least not truthfully

sometimes its because he doesn’t wana hurt me

other times it’s because he just doesn’t want to

but why?

why, why, why?

why not me?

he is going to leave me one day for another girl

and yet i wait for him to do it

whenever i do one little thing wrong

i feel 100x more guilty than i should

even today i said something i shouldn’t have

he got upset with me

and now i know he is going to look at me differently

i can’t seem to let it go

i just beat myself up over it

put more simply i can’t trust him the way i used to

he hurt me

not really bad

but he hurt my heart

squeezed it too tight

and it bled

he didn’t want to clean it up

so it still leaks

the days cannot always be great

emtnlchaos — Wed, 19 May 2010 18:00:09 +0000

the days cannot always be great

my chest fills up with anxious thoughts and feelings

wanting to breakdown

be held by God

let Him surround my being

telling me it is okay to live

never fear death because we all die

and the best part about it

is going to live with him

yet the fear embraces my heart tightly

i look for help

when the help lies within

there are days when i am on cloud 9

then days go by with constant heartache

my blogs speak of unhappiness

at times an unwillingness to go on living

because of the psychache

my head just hurts

a lot

i don’t know how to rid of my pain

i pray

and pray

God help me

i need you

cry

emtnlchaos — Fri, 14 May 2010 21:36:28 +0000

i just want to cry

and yell

scream

punch a pillow

why don’t you want me

why aren’t i good enough to be loved by you

why am i still just here

alone

waiting until you tell me i am worth your time

my heart aches

through all the fights

u still don’t understand

i just wish to be loved

i fight this struggle everyday

EVERYDAY

this is my time of need

and i know it is too hard on you a lot of the times

but i try for me and for you

b/c i think we work

problem is

I HAVE NO CLUE HOW YOU FEEL

or how you want to feel

if i’m someone you want in your life

i look to you for support

and for peace of mind

but you shut me down with smart ass comments

i want to cry

i want to scream

this is all because you aren’t here

i can’t kiss you

and hug you

tell you in person just how much you mean to me

it hurts

a lot

times

emtnlchaos — Fri, 14 May 2010 21:33:15 +0000

i dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for

the kind of rare love

that some would argue with me

saying it doesn’t exist

trapped in a bubble of love

consistent compliments

beauty in every word

every look

every moment

together

i dream of a love

where hearts aren’t broken

only hurt for a matter of seconds

before you are swept off your feet again

i dream of love

that never turns its back on you

even through the confusion

frustration, irritability

it manages to stay by your side

whisper “it is all going to be okay b/c we’re together in this”

can this dream be real

i don’t think he wants that responsibility

at least not with me

to want to be the girl of his dreams soooo bad

and every time i fall short

but i am what i am

he is what he is

are we that dream?

i don’t know