my true self
my true self
what does that even mean????
well it means that as of right now i feel like my whole life revolves around ME caring what OTHER people think about ME
like why do i even give a rat’s ass???
why do their words about me matter more than my own words that describe me?
how is it that in every meeting with a new person i really do hope he/she likes me
i want them to WANT to be my friend
with my boyfriend i want him to WANT me, love me, shit practically want to marry me already
but what does that mean????
what does that say about who i am?
what i want out of life?
have i been conditioned to rely on the response, the emotion of another person to find my happiness?
do i truly depend on someone else’s perception of me to make me happy?
am i afraid to hear the truth about who i am?
all of these thoughts are almost overwhelming
making me want to cry as i type each word out
how did i get like this?
where did it all start?
if i hear something bad about myself WHY is it so unbearable to hear????
what is this need for perfection?
is it acceptance, a desire to be a part of something, some group?
i simply don’t understand
i really want to say FUCK YOU!
i am who i am!!! deal with it..
yet i don’t want to be a bitch!
it’s like oh God if one person thinks i’m lame the whole world is going to come crashing down on me
oh the anxiety, the guilt, the hurt, will engulf my body
take my soul away from me
send me to hell
catastrophizing much?
yeah i think so
but how do the thoughts stop?
do i consistently tell myself Fuck it! Fuck them!
it seems so inhumane, does it not?
i don’t know…
i could use a lot of help on this one….
