afraid
i’m afraid again…
i don’t know exactly what it is i’m afraid of
actually i’m afraid of what fear feels like
it overwhelms your body
makes you tremble
your heart pounds hard and fast
your body breaks out in a cold sweat
this feeling is unnatural
i really want it to go away because I don’t need it in my life
it stops me from going on adventures
i never felt this way before so why am i letting it consume my life now????
i wish there was a magic pill to help me control the fear
even w/ all the support I have now that I’m back in l.a
i’m still afraid
i’m starting to feel the fear more often
wwwwhhhyyyy??
what is this sense of control that I need to have all of a sudden?
go awaaaaaaaay
what does fashion mean
far too often people mistake fashion for a pompous attitude
as if b/c they love fashion they’re allowed to be stuck-up
but what is fashion really about to those who are passionate about it
and by passionate i mean doing it for more than making a dime
fashion should say something meaningful
whether it be dark and gloomy
bright, summery, happy
fashion is art
fashion is unique to each person
it can help to explain who you are
or what mood you’re in that day
fashion is wonderful
not meant to be taken out of context
that’s how i feel lol
the end
my true self
my true self
what does that even mean????
well it means that as of right now i feel like my whole life revolves around ME caring what OTHER people think about ME
like why do i even give a rat’s ass???
why do their words about me matter more than my own words that describe me?
how is it that in every meeting with a new person i really do hope he/she likes me
i want them to WANT to be my friend
with my boyfriend i want him to WANT me, love me, shit practically want to marry me already
but what does that mean????
what does that say about who i am?
what i want out of life?
have i been conditioned to rely on the response, the emotion of another person to find my happiness?
do i truly depend on someone else’s perception of me to make me happy?
am i afraid to hear the truth about who i am?
all of these thoughts are almost overwhelming
making me want to cry as i type each word out
how did i get like this?
where did it all start?
if i hear something bad about myself WHY is it so unbearable to hear????
what is this need for perfection?
is it acceptance, a desire to be a part of something, some group?
i simply don’t understand
i really want to say FUCK YOU!
i am who i am!!! deal with it..
yet i don’t want to be a bitch!
it’s like oh God if one person thinks i’m lame the whole world is going to come crashing down on me
oh the anxiety, the guilt, the hurt, will engulf my body
take my soul away from me
send me to hell
catastrophizing much?
yeah i think so
but how do the thoughts stop?
do i consistently tell myself Fuck it! Fuck them!
it seems so inhumane, does it not?
i don’t know…
i could use a lot of help on this one….
Why fear death
Why do some many of us seem to fear this idea of death?
What is it about death that appears to be so scary?
Is it the thousands maybe even millions of years of brainwashing we’ve experienced about death?
with all the darkness and evil that surrounds this word.
Why do I fear death?
What’s the worst that could happen?
I won’t go to heaven.
Is there a heaven?
I won’t go to heaven or hell, is limbo such a bad place?
Or I’ll just remain in the ground where my ashes will be spread so I can become fertilizer.
What is it about death that makes it so terrifying?
Is it the loss of life that we fear?
Yet we complain so often of the pain, fear, anxiety, guilt, even over stimulation.
Would death be so bad?
Do we fear the idea of dying b/c we think it’ll hurt?
Rape
Murder
Drowning
Burning
What is it that causes the panic entangled into this fear?
the panic seems to fuel the fear making death seem less pleasurable.
Hanging from a rock ready to fall to your death and your fear is what?
Those who will miss you won’t be able to handle your death?
Unfinished business?
but at the thought of unfinished business wouldn’t you ask the question
If you lived your life to the fullest ALL the time….
would there be such thing as unfinished business???
What will take this fear of death away?
God
Myself
Friends
Family
Nothing.
Why do we fear death?
its been awhile
well its been awhile since i wrote in this thing but i am definitely missing it a lot. I feel like writing is a huge release for me. I’m sure many people do. i’ve been needing to write b/c i feel so trapped by the fear and the panic that has so easily consumed my life. i feel misunderstood often and even tho i constantly try to explain my point of view i don’t know seem to get across to very many people. I am on my 2nd therapist. i loved the 1st one but she was just too expensive. then the 2nd one decided to say some inappropriate shit.
the boyfriend and i have our ups and downs as any re/ship does. right now we are recovering from a down! but we’re getting a lot better. he works a lot so he isn’t around that much which sssuuuuuxxxxx b/c i love to be around him.
i’m working on building friendships in my MFT program and so far so good ! hopefully we stay friends ya know!
i’m going to come up with a poem soon
Pepper
my baby!
she is my lil devil but i love her with all my heart already
i never thought i could care for a puppy
at first i had lots and lots and lots of anxiety b/c i don’t want to fail with her
she will not be your typical pitbull that they show on the news
my baby is absolutely amazing and she loves to cuddle….i hope that she will grow up to be a very wonderful well-trained dog who loves people and other animals…
she soon will be a part of what i live for and i can only thank her for bringing me back to life and helping me get through one of the aspects of my life that brought anxiety
her bite is pretty intense but she will learn…i’ve had her for 10 days now and she is the just the cutest sleeper
why do i think he’s cheating
why do i think he’s cheating?
is it because I believe I’m not good enough
everyday i look at myself in the mirror
and i smile
feel a sense of happiness come over me
but then i look again
i see the fear and anxiety
i question his ability to love me
because he doesn’t love me
why doesn’t he love me?
am i not good enough??
there seems to be too much neuroticism
he’s skeptical about loving me
being in love with me
and now i think that is my fault
i don’t feel pretty anymore
i know i’m pretty
but he never tells me i’m beautiful
does he tell other girls they are beautiful?
has he ever said i love you to another girl?
he won’t let me in
he doesn’t think i’m worth it
he doesn’t even tell me how he feels
at least not truthfully
sometimes its because he doesn’t wana hurt me
other times it’s because he just doesn’t want to
but why?
why, why, why?
why not me?
he is going to leave me one day for another girl
and yet i wait for him to do it
whenever i do one little thing wrong
i feel 100x more guilty than i should
even today i said something i shouldn’t have
he got upset with me
and now i know he is going to look at me differently
i can’t seem to let it go
i just beat myself up over it
put more simply i can’t trust him the way i used to
he hurt me
not really bad
but he hurt my heart
squeezed it too tight
and it bled
he didn’t want to clean it up
so it still leaks
the days cannot always be great
the days cannot always be great
my chest fills up with anxious thoughts and feelings
wanting to breakdown
be held by God
let Him surround my being
telling me it is okay to live
never fear death because we all die
and the best part about it
is going to live with him
yet the fear embraces my heart tightly
i look for help
when the help lies within
there are days when i am on cloud 9
then days go by with constant heartache
my blogs speak of unhappiness
at times an unwillingness to go on living
because of the psychache
my head just hurts
a lot
i don’t know how to rid of my pain
i pray
and pray
God help me
i need you
cry
i just want to cry
and yell
scream
punch a pillow
why don’t you want me
why aren’t i good enough to be loved by you
why am i still just here
alone
waiting until you tell me i am worth your time
my heart aches
through all the fights
u still don’t understand
i just wish to be loved
i fight this struggle everyday
EVERYDAY
this is my time of need
and i know it is too hard on you a lot of the times
but i try for me and for you
b/c i think we work
problem is
I HAVE NO CLUE HOW YOU FEEL
or how you want to feel
if i’m someone you want in your life
i look to you for support
and for peace of mind
but you shut me down with smart ass comments
i want to cry
i want to scream
this is all because you aren’t here
i can’t kiss you
and hug you
tell you in person just how much you mean to me
it hurts
a lot
times
i dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for
the kind of rare love
that some would argue with me
saying it doesn’t exist
trapped in a bubble of love
consistent compliments
beauty in every word
every look
every moment
together
i dream of a love
where hearts aren’t broken
only hurt for a matter of seconds
before you are swept off your feet again
i dream of love
that never turns its back on you
even through the confusion
frustration, irritability
it manages to stay by your side
whisper “it is all going to be okay b/c we’re together in this”
can this dream be real
i don’t think he wants that responsibility
at least not with me
to want to be the girl of his dreams soooo bad
and every time i fall short
but i am what i am
he is what he is
are we that dream?
i don’t know
